Things I need to do

The husband is away on a golf weekend and I have come down with a bad cold. I think I'm getting soft in my old age, most ailments I ever suffer seem to knock me useless for the duration. I spent last weekend in bed with a stomach bug and yesterday in bed with a dripping nose and a roll of toilet paper (because tissues never last more than one cold here, and no one ever has the foresight to buy more before another cold hits).

Anyway, kids have been mostly good. Great even. They entertain themselves 

, this was at 8am when I finally moved from bed this morning armed with their costumes to go swimming today.

I thought they could just swim and swim while I sat and sat, but the air in the swim centre was stifling and I could feel my body struggling to regulate my temperature. They are all so lovely though, I didn't have to ask them twice to get out (and the slushies I bought on the way out were not even a bribe, since even I didn't know I was going to buy them until they all got dressed and marched like little soldiers out of the centre!).

So I'm in the bath now, wondering if I'll make it through work tomorrow and making lists of things I need to do before bed. Make cupcakes for a school stall, take out the bin and feed the animals. Dry the school uniforms (although c3 has been in bed for an hour and was quite sniffly before then). 

That's all.

Our sanctuary

ANow first up, if I was to say the words 'home sanctuary' I can pretty much guarantee our home wouldn't be the one to come to mind. No, not the house where you are required to step over obstacles from the front gate right through to the back door (scooters in the driveway, school bags in the hall, a tipped over washing basket of things I cleaned out of the car 4 weeks ago, random toys, a bag of clothes for Vinnies and a box of clothes that were to go to the shed 2 months ago but have come around to being season-appropriate again). Not the place where you struggle to complete a sentence without someone  jumping in to complete it for you or add their own perceived version of events. Not the place where 3 days with of washing and not sorting means one lounge suite covered in clothes.

Ugh. I get sad reading that. That's not what I want for our home! But it is what it is, physically. 

So when I say home sanctuary, obviously I don't mean a place of zen and calm relaxation.

What I do mean is that finally (and it has taken me a couple of years!) I want my kids to be happy. I am allowing myself to care more about their happiness than their teacher's or their friend's or their friend's parents. Yes I care that they go to school and follow instructions and are nice people, but for too long I have worried about what other people think. I want our whole family to go to school or work, and when they get home to just shrug off the day and enjoy being home. For this to work, I've needed to stop worrying myself silly over what people think when the kids have issues with friends at school, when they don't go to school, when they cry at school etc etc some 'bad' behaviours don't need discipline as much as understanding. C1 recently refused to go on her school excursion and we were so angry and embarrassed. What 9yo would give up the chance for a fun day off school with their friends?! That question turned into 'what 9yo is too worried about being bus sick to ride on the bus?!' and also had us asking 'why doesn't she just trust us that she'll have a good time?!' And 'why won't she just do what she's told?!'. We still haven't got the answers, but now I've decided they aren't that important. If she felt too anxious to ride the bus an hour to the excursion, why are we angry at her and trying to force her?! To quote the author of one of my many parenting books, 'kids do well if they can'. If she could ride the bus she knew she'd have a good day once there...but she couldn't. Not only that, but she had been telling us for DAYS that she didn't want to go and why and we just ignored her. We ignored the whopping tantrums that were in retrospect caused by the stress, we ignored that she had been too anxious to eat for days leading up to the excursion and we offered her numerous rewards if she did make the trip (despite her telling us nothing we could offer her would help - that just became another challenge for us to try to overcome!). So her dad took her to the bus, she cried, he yelled, she cried some more, she was very quiet for a day or two afterwards...and meanwhile, the people we had been concerned about (while the one we should have been concerned about suffered) probably didn't give her a second thought once they left the bus stop. 

That's not the sanctuary I want to create, but it was the catalyst for change around here. And we are all happier for it.

What to do?!

Well while first day back went off without a hitch, 2nd day was a disaster with c2 and c3 both returning to me in tears. This was a first for c3, she's not typically an anxious kid and usually is too eager to please to do anything outside of the rules. But today, as I stood next to c2 who was clinging to the car door, out c3 came from school with body heaving sobs and (as c4 would put it) drops coming down her face. She said she

was sad c2 was sad and that she had nobody to play with :( c2 had no reason for today's episode, except to say 'you know it's hard for me to go back to school after holidays!'. C1 came out sometime during all of the drama and I nearly laughed at the ridiculousness of my situation but it turns out she was ok and just trying to help.

It really is a juggling act with so many little kids (who aren't so little anymore but are needy as ever!). I count on them all being good and compliant and relaxed so as not to upset anyone because there can be an avalanche of emotion if just one isn't feeling stable. If c2 was feeling just a bit stronger this morning, he could have turned c3 around and gone into school to play handball with her. They look after each other, when they are themselves feeling ok. After an hour or so of alone time in their bedrooms (and a bit of cathartic screaming and stamping from c2) I gave them their homework to do and negotiated a time to return to school (recess). They both went fine then, and both said their days were good when I asked them after school.

But I always ask myself what could I have done differently...and usually come up with nothing. I wonder why other parents do not have to deal with this level of school refusal - I understand that if it was only c3 I could have taken her in to settle her a bit but when I had c2 refusing to move an inch from the car door that couldn't happen so she pretty much came along for c2's refusal routine. Why does he even have a refusal routine?! Isn't that ridiculous itself, that this keeps happening and yet we can't fix it...we can only ride out the storm. 

What was really bothering me today though was that I know these kids could be happier in a different learning environment. My heart tells me so. Why are they perfectly happy to complete schoolwork at home but not at school? Why can they socialise beautifully with other kids, that they know and that they don't know, in any setting but an instructional one? (Not that they don't socialise there, just that having those friendships at school isn't enough for them to want to go). How can they learn when they aren't comfortable where they are? But I don't want to stop working, and I don't want to homeschool them, and I want them to have a normal school life, and I want c4 to start school there just as we've planned and I don't want to give up on the fact they should just bloody well do what I say because I'm the parent and that's why! ;) I do wonder just how much we can all take though. 

Our last day of holidays - pizza and a family game in the park. No wonder they hate going to school.

School holidays

Mostly good. I may sound a little jaded right now but that's because it's one of those times when everyone wants something of me just as I sit down. Meanwhile, dad is walking around and more than capable of doing what the kids are onto me to do! What's with that?!

I have enjoyed not waking up at 3am with insomnia related to the worries the kids have at school. It's a terrible feeling, anxiety, and it's kind of funny (but not funny ha-ha) that it took c2's struggles with anxiety for me to ever have experienced it chronically! I mean, I'm sure I must have felt it at some stage, probably when I had an assignment due at school or my best friend wouldn't sit next to me at school for some unknown reason, but mostly I've been as cool as a cucumber for most of my life. Hmm...just writing that I see that school is a cause of anxiety for even the most chilled people so no wonder my intense little minions are struggling. Anyway, the good thing is that no one is feeling it right now. Everyone is sleeping well, eating well, playing well and enjoying the limited pressures of holiday life.

I took this photo yesterday. They had been playing on that trampoline for 2 hours!!! There was the occasional incident, but quickly resolved.

So all of this time for me has made me realise I need a hobby. I haven't had this much free time for as long as I remember. Currently I spend my free time cleaning but that's not a very good hobby and I'm not a natural. I don't get a great buzz out of organising and having a home beautiful (probably because it never lasts long - I do have one room that I like to keep tidy and as long as I can sit out there without mess everywhere I'm happy enough). So, what could it be?! I'm leaning towards exercise but just need to decide what I'm going to do. I've always been interested in triathlon - I like running, riding and swimming - but I just have to battle the part of my self image that is telling me that I am not athletic, I am lazy and I can't commit to anything and see it through. The thought of me in Lycra is also amusing!

End of term and the wheels are falling off

I don't actually know where that phrase comes from, but I know what it means! Let me give examples from just one day in the second last week of a long school term -

C1 ran away today. She threw her tennis racquet on the ground 3 times and then decided she would rather live at her friend's house so picked up the racquet and ball, slung it over her shoulder and literally ran away. She is 9, not 2, by the way. This followed a tantrum (at 9, not 2!) for half an hour that she didn't want to be at the tennis court, and of course the running away all began because it was time to go home and she hadn't hit a ball. 

C2 is having anxiety again, not yet at last year's level so I am doing all I can to make home life stress free and help him through these next couple of weeks. That means afternoon activities that he can look forward to (hello tennis court) and dinners that I know he enjoys. I am getting more comfortable with the anxious part of him though, it's taken me a while but I now understand that he doesn't want to be anxious either but he just can't help it. We had C1's confirmation on the weekend and he looked so unhappy at the start of it all, his eyes looked almost fearful, so I didn't push him to kneel or stand when he was supposed to - and I squeezed his shoulder to let him know that was ok. I've got his back.

C3 (who is 6.5, not 2) also had a tantrum this afternoon, with the highlight being a back thrown across the room and 'I hate you mum!' screamed from her bedroom. All because c4 had picked up a $2 stuffed toy from Vinnies during the day and she wanted a toy nooooow. I'll talk to her tomorrow when she's rational and she can pack up some of her old toys to take to Vinnies and I'll let her have a $2 one too. She had $2 canteen money today so the situation wasn't entirely unfair, not that I have to justify buying him anything while she's at school. 

C4 is ok. No major dramas. He only goes to preschool 3 days/week so isn't too tired or over it. 

Bring on holidays!

Sick kids

Poor c2 has had a really bad run with illness lately. A month ago, all of the kids had colds. They weren't too bad but I thought they could benefit from a day off school, and I took them all out bush to take some photos...

They don't look too sick there do they? Anyway they all went back to school, revived from their day off.

Until 2 weeks later. C2 got tonsillitis. All of the kids have quite big tonsils to begin with, so when they become infected there's a lot of tissue to become gross. I took him to the dr, who I thought said 'here are some antibiotics. He should be fine for school tomorrow'. After 3 days off, it was hard for his little anxious body to get back into the going to school vibe. Thursday morning was ugly, there were threats, yelling, attempted bargaining and consequences. He ended up going and lasted all day but when I picked him up from the bus he looked miserable. He said his mouth hurt.

Friday afternoon he was worse. He had ulcers in lots of places in his mouth, and cold sores on his lips. His gums were red and swollen. Saturday morning he couldn't even talk so we went back to the dr and he has herpetic gingiostomatitis - or something like that!

:( he was so run down from the tonsillitis, the herpes virus went viral in his mouth. And I found out the dr said not to send him to school last week...there is a slight language barrier between the African dr and us, but even c2 'knew' the dr said he could go back to school on Thursday. 

It must be incredibly painful, but he also smells like death. It is really repulsive! We get him to rinse with mouthwash but he can use a toothbrush while his gums are so swollen and sore. He is also contagious, if the sores are touched and germs spread, so he's off school for another couple of days.

Another day off work and I feel so guilty. It's not easy being a working mum. There isn't the gender equality in the workplace that there should be really. Dad has a higher position and more responsibility so it is harder for him to take time off, especially since we are in the same workplace and my efforts are considered more disposable. But I want to be working so it kind of sucks. I don't resent poor c2 for being sick, I just wish his dad *could* stay home because he's the only other person I would leave my sick child with. 

Anyway, off to watch some crappy tv before getting into the housework. 

New pyjamas

Four kiddies all wearing new fleecy pyjamas tonight. I could just cuddle and snuggle them all! They don't always wear pyjamas and they don't always match - a top from one set, pants from another - but tonight they do and it makes me want to try harder to keep them organised and matchy every night.

I won't though. I did go through a stage in the holidays when I found some enjoyment in being clean and organised. I moved furniture and polished slate floors, bought mats and cushions and almost tore up the loungeroom carpet. I bought a lamp that should arrive here this week, which is good because being my birthday week I'm less likely to have to explain why I have parcels arriving! 

But now...now I'm just tired. I'm tired of picking up after everyone else all of the time and I'm tired of having to push for help. I have a case of pride perhaps. I know they are just kids, well most of them are, but why should it always be me?! I'm the only one who doesn't step over things left on the floor and the only one who apparently knows where everything is kept/left. I am the only one who thinks about whether there is food in the kitchen for school lunches the next day, the only one who buys it, packs it, unpacks it. Same for school uniforms, I find them, wash them and most likely set my alarm for 5.30 to put them in the dryer while everybody is oblivious.

But tonight it's all ok. My four babies are all cuddly and snuggly. We'll work on the housework another day.

New rug, cushions and same ol kids, climbing on the furniture

Beautiful

"Why are you so beautiful?", I said. I don't know why I said it, she was looking intently at a tree (telling me about ants that were coming out of a joint), the sun was shining in her hair and she just looked so pure and innocent and beautiful.

She responded, without delay, "why are you so weird?". 

Isn't that beautiful?! She's not at all concerned with appearances, she's not vain, she is just so funny and witty and so, so beautiful.

Back to the start. Again.

Weight has pretty much always been an issue with me. I remember being in year 4 and looking at my school photo, comparing my size with that of the other girls on the year (and recognising a relationship between size and popularity even back then, I must have been advanced!). Actually if you go back even further I remember when I was 4 or 5 a dr commenting to my mum at a family visit that 'all but one' of us was healthy, and I assumed it was me, being fat, who wasn't. Now more than 30 years later, with some hindsight and photos of me with ribs I realise he was talking about my pack a day Marlboro red smoking mother but that comment has stayed with me since. Growing up in a house of 7 girls, I was always the larger one but again, with hindsight, I wasn't so much large as just larger. I was an adult size 12 for my year 6 graduation, my jean shorts in year 8 were an 11 (while my older sisters' wore 8's and 10's), at 68kg in year 10 I faked a sickie in science because we were told we'd have to weigh ourselves to find the class statistics, I was 71kg at 17 when my friend and I embarked on a huge weight loss mission because we considered ourselves obese. At 170cm, 71 is the upper limit but I think if I'd stayed 71, instead of dieting down to 51, I could possibly still be there today but instead I've gone up and down ever since. 73 when pregnant with c1, 90 at giving birth, 68 with c2, 88 at birth, and I forget the others but know I only got to 91 with c4 despite starting at 85. I figured, wrongly lol, that 90 must have been my upper limit of the weight my body wanted to stay at.

2 years ago I got down to 76 with a lot of exercise. Then c2 started school and with that stress, combined with whispers heard about how selfish I was doing so much exercise without the kids, my weight has climbed since then. The past few months, I've exceeded my highest weight ever. It's now time, past time, to try again. This time, now that I am 'middle aged' (argh! Lol) the reasons are as much about vanity as they are about health. 

But mostly I just want to go to sleep every night without rolling onto my stomach so I can't feel any fat rolls, and without berating myself for a bad food day and calculating how many cals to eat the next day.

So right now, I'm going on a bike ride with 3 kids, wearing size 18 tights and my husband's shirt. Looking fancy.

Then and now

Sharing some bath time

With a squid, octopus, tiger, dinosaur and lobster. I installed blogger on my phone and am trying to figure it out.

The post that isn't

I had a little video of c4 to upload tonight but it seems I can't do it without getting an app on my phone...an app that I can't get because my phone no longer connects to wifi. It will cost over $600 for an early upgrade to my phone so I'm just going to hang on for as long as I can.

If I told you I just heard a chicken clicking in my loungeroom would you believe me?! It's true, husband and c1 and c2 are giving one of our new hens some antibiotics. We only got her yesterday but she's not looking as healthy as the other. This one's name is Dash Diamond, the other is Gabriella Butter. C3 always names her pets Gabriella - probably not a fortunate name for any pet in this household given we have named more than a few and yet have only one survivor.

I don't really have much to say, I just wanted to add that video and since that's not working for now I'll go and check out the chicken (chicken, check out the chicken!) (knowing random song lyrics makes me wonder how much brain space I waste every day, and makes me feel old).

Please put some clothes on, stop eating, shut the door and find the remote!

Right now I am really frustrated with everything. I don't understand how, with all of my superb parenting skills and despite their increasing ages, these kids seem to be getting harder! Maybe my expectations just get bigger as they do, or maybe I really was in a fog for the previous years and I'm not remembering things as they really were. It's been raining all day and we are in a small space so the issues are literally right on top of me at the moment (C4 perched on the loungechair arm). So the issues are -


The clothes thing

I know they never used to wear clothes, it used to be a big laugh that in every photo there was at least one naked child, but now when they don't wear clothes I find myself getting irritated. I don't understand why they don't understand what used to be acceptable at 2, 3 or maybe 4 just can't keep going on now they are 4, 6, 7 and 8. C1 in particular will get around in just her undies, pulled right up, and think that it is quite alright to run to the door to whoever is brave enough to knock. She hates the feel of clothes. The others are mostly ok, except that's only until C4 goes to the toilet and then doesn't put his pants back on.

The food thing

They are bored = they eat. I don't think they have once felt hungry today. It's like a competition for food, if one kid is eating then the others must also eat. But when C2 picks a different thing to C1, who then wants what C2 was eating, and C2 wants what C4 is eating, but C3 has eaten the last of the thing that C4 was eating (but he's now passed that onto C1, and C3 wants something else now because C1 and now eaten 2 things) it gets very confusing. I've called an end to any more food being snaffled from the school drawer but there's still a sense of someone being hard-done-by in the air and wrappers aplenty on the floor.

The door thing

It is (now) Winter. We have all moved into the front loungeroom where the gas heater is, and we can heat this one small area fairly cheaply and quickly...until someone leaves the room and leaves the door open. As soon as that happens, in the time it takes for the offender to turn around and give a dirty look about being called back, the room has chilled again. If I only had a dollar for every time the door was left open or ajar during the day I could afford ducted reverse cycle heating in no time.

The remote thing

This is one of those bittersweet things. When they first learned how to use the remote, it meant sleep ins for me and no more interruptions to find Nick Jr while I was busy doing something outside of the loungeroom. Now they have mostly moved onto Cartoon Network and can capably find anything they want to watch all by themselves at any time, but this has meant we have lost control of the remote. I know one of them had it, because the tv has been stuck on Gumball/Adventure Time/Regular show for the past 4 hours and I didn't change it. But no one can remember who did change it, or have any idea where the control could be. C1 also tends to hide the remote when she leaves the room for just a short time (I bet she leaves the door open too...) so no one can change it in her absence. I have find the remote in the linen cupboard before, but it's not there now. I have looked.

I'm recording these things and hoping one day I will look back and smile. And right now any of these irritations are better than listening to them laugh and bang around in the bedrooms; when they do that it's only a matter of time before tears and always means beds have to be totally remade before sleep. I need a holiday.

ETA - I just went back through some old posts and found that in 2011 the remote thing and the bedroom things were annoying me even back then. I forgot all about that so that confirms my theory that this too shall pass (and by pass I mean be forgotten)

Unexpected

Every night I lie down with my kids and wait for them to go to sleep. Yes it's sometimes tedious, and sometimes there are just way too many other things I should be doing, and sometimes I end up falling asleep with them and don't get any time with my husband at all. It all started with c2's anxiety, he simply could not go to sleep with the nightly debrief and reassurances that we loved him despite his recurrent morning meltdowns. Sometimes even with all of the cuddles and tickles and talks he would still be wide eyed and restless at 11pm - by that stage my anxiety had increased (calculating how many hours sleep he should be getting and needed to cope with all of his worries vs how much he was actually getting) which sometimes made me snappy which didn't help him become relaxed at all! So yeh, the other kids who used to go to their own beds at bedtime happily started to ask for their own bedtime cuddles/talks and every time I rejected them I became filled with guilt, especially when in the morning they were also pushed aside as we tried to make the mornings run smooth for c2. So the new routine became c3 and c4 would go to bed with me first, followed by c2. C1 initially stayed awake with dad, which worked because c2 didn't want anyone else to go to bed with him when he was in his anxious phase but now c1 joins us. It doesn't take too long these days for everyone to be asleep, half an hour for all 4 kids would be the maximum time. But after all that lying down it is hard to get back up. Something else others don't understand about this arrangement is that our kids share bedrooms and they are close together. The times we attempted to leave c2 alone in his bedroom were disastrous for everyone, he woke everyone up, and once started a night terror for c4 in the process. Plus he would only work himself up more, meaning less sleep, meaning a bad morning etc etc until everyone was overtired and over it. We do try periodically, usually following a stay at someone else's house, whose kids watch the clock til 7.30 at which point they march themselves off to bed. Man. I want that! When I hear of people actually watching a movie with their husband after the kids have gone to bed, I want that too. I see other couples having a drink and cleaning up after dinner together and I even want that (although realistically that would never happen!). But if it did it would be nice ;) Anyway c2 is asleep now and I'm getting a bit sick of writing this post. It was not meant to be so long, or a justification for the one snippet I wanted to share that came out of bed sharing tonight. The first thing c2 said when the lights were off and our heads on the pillows? "Mum I didn't tell anyone at school today that you night have pooed when you pushed us out" lol of all the things that were on his mind after the day, and this is it. I think that's his way of showing his love for me!

Things have changed!

Both with this blogger formatty thing, and in life...but where to start?! Maybe if I start with what's stayed the same - * my password! Yey! And the anxiety at trying to remember my password to get in here, and the small joy at getting it first time. Yey. * the mess I live in. Still here, years later. I just read a blog post from 2011, listing things on the floor. If I was to do that now, I could take away all the baby paraphenalia but add colouring pencils, a drawing book, scrap paper spread from one side of the room to the other), a laptop, a pencil case, a tomato sauce bottle, a pair of pyjama pants, a Barbie, a football, my teacher basket (what's that you say?! aaah, I will explain!), 2 bowls (breakfast?), 2 plates (dinner?!) and a pair of running shoes. I can almost see the carpet. My tv is also still dirty, but Sid the Science kid has been pushed aside. These days Adventure Time and Gumball are all the go. * Still married with children, although obviously we have all got older. I'd like to say we have all improved with age, but that would only be 4/6ths true ;) I'm sick of writing already but was inspired by reading old posts so must push on. Things that have changed... * I work! 3 days a week. It all started almost a year ago, when after problems for C2 at school I decided to do a resilience course for children that was available to school teachers. Once I did that, I started getting used to having a life outside of the house and was almost dared to put my name down for casual work. I had to rise to that challenge, and before I knew it I was signed up to start the following week. I barely slept the night before, and the day was the most exhausting day of my life, but before the day was out I was again signed up for the following week, then the week after, then the week after! In Term 4 a 2 day/week job came up so I took that, along with my own class to prepare work for, and by the end of the year I was signed up for 3 days Term 1. Term 2 started, and while my other job had finished with the arrival of a new head teacher, another job popped up with some literacy/numeracy funding. That's where we are now. I love working, I feel like Linda Evangelista (was it?), who wouldn't get out of bed for less than $10 000/day. For the first time in 10 years, I wake up thinking I don't get paid enough to clean up everyone else's shit at home. Obviously this has not gone down too well, because someone has to do the usual jobs and if it's not me, then who? Kids are faster learners than husbands. * Back to C2, I can't believe I have never written about this before, but we have been through some very, very tough times with him over the past few years. He hates school, he has real anxiety about it and it's taken a long, long time for the school to attempt to understand that it is anxiety behind his ... less than desirable school behaviours. Thankfully, and without any clear answers as to why, things have improved HUGELY over the past couple of months. No longer do we cry every morning, do I have to peel him off the car, throw him into his bedroom screaming, am I weighed down with worry during the day whenever my phone rings, do I have to tickle his back and comfort him for hours at bedtime every night (while the other kids did...does anyone know who was looking after them these times?!). We've seen doctors, paediatricians, psychologists (yes, plural to all those) and were given no solutions to his anxiety. At the moment, he is all good but there is always a slight fear we will return to those days. C4 has started to not enjoy being left at preschool as well, which is a bit of a worry! If we had the answer for C2 then we could try that with C4, but we don't know what suddenly helped C2 so we are again flying blind. Boys. I will try and come back soon. Right now I've got a silverside boiling away and a cake in the oven, trying to fool myself that I love these non-working, quiet days at home by being some kind of super housewife. Some days Curtis and I go for walks or go out for lunch, but today is raining and I'm feeling a bit trapped by domesticity.