Wednesday, May 29, 2013


Every night I lie down with my kids and wait for them to go to sleep. Yes it's sometimes tedious, and sometimes there are just way too many other things I should be doing, and sometimes I end up falling asleep with them and don't get any time with my husband at all. It all started with c2's anxiety, he simply could not go to sleep with the nightly debrief and reassurances that we loved him despite his recurrent morning meltdowns. Sometimes even with all of the cuddles and tickles and talks he would still be wide eyed and restless at 11pm - by that stage my anxiety had increased (calculating how many hours sleep he should be getting and needed to cope with all of his worries vs how much he was actually getting) which sometimes made me snappy which didn't help him become relaxed at all! So yeh, the other kids who used to go to their own beds at bedtime happily started to ask for their own bedtime cuddles/talks and every time I rejected them I became filled with guilt, especially when in the morning they were also pushed aside as we tried to make the mornings run smooth for c2. So the new routine became c3 and c4 would go to bed with me first, followed by c2. C1 initially stayed awake with dad, which worked because c2 didn't want anyone else to go to bed with him when he was in his anxious phase but now c1 joins us. It doesn't take too long these days for everyone to be asleep, half an hour for all 4 kids would be the maximum time. But after all that lying down it is hard to get back up. Something else others don't understand about this arrangement is that our kids share bedrooms and they are close together. The times we attempted to leave c2 alone in his bedroom were disastrous for everyone, he woke everyone up, and once started a night terror for c4 in the process. Plus he would only work himself up more, meaning less sleep, meaning a bad morning etc etc until everyone was overtired and over it. We do try periodically, usually following a stay at someone else's house, whose kids watch the clock til 7.30 at which point they march themselves off to bed. Man. I want that! When I hear of people actually watching a movie with their husband after the kids have gone to bed, I want that too. I see other couples having a drink and cleaning up after dinner together and I even want that (although realistically that would never happen!). But if it did it would be nice ;) Anyway c2 is asleep now and I'm getting a bit sick of writing this post. It was not meant to be so long, or a justification for the one snippet I wanted to share that came out of bed sharing tonight. The first thing c2 said when the lights were off and our heads on the pillows? "Mum I didn't tell anyone at school today that you night have pooed when you pushed us out" lol of all the things that were on his mind after the day, and this is it. I think that's his way of showing his love for me!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Things have changed!

Both with this blogger formatty thing, and in life...but where to start?! Maybe if I start with what's stayed the same - * my password! Yey! And the anxiety at trying to remember my password to get in here, and the small joy at getting it first time. Yey. * the mess I live in. Still here, years later. I just read a blog post from 2011, listing things on the floor. If I was to do that now, I could take away all the baby paraphenalia but add colouring pencils, a drawing book, scrap paper spread from one side of the room to the other), a laptop, a pencil case, a tomato sauce bottle, a pair of pyjama pants, a Barbie, a football, my teacher basket (what's that you say?! aaah, I will explain!), 2 bowls (breakfast?), 2 plates (dinner?!) and a pair of running shoes. I can almost see the carpet. My tv is also still dirty, but Sid the Science kid has been pushed aside. These days Adventure Time and Gumball are all the go. * Still married with children, although obviously we have all got older. I'd like to say we have all improved with age, but that would only be 4/6ths true ;) I'm sick of writing already but was inspired by reading old posts so must push on. Things that have changed... * I work! 3 days a week. It all started almost a year ago, when after problems for C2 at school I decided to do a resilience course for children that was available to school teachers. Once I did that, I started getting used to having a life outside of the house and was almost dared to put my name down for casual work. I had to rise to that challenge, and before I knew it I was signed up to start the following week. I barely slept the night before, and the day was the most exhausting day of my life, but before the day was out I was again signed up for the following week, then the week after, then the week after! In Term 4 a 2 day/week job came up so I took that, along with my own class to prepare work for, and by the end of the year I was signed up for 3 days Term 1. Term 2 started, and while my other job had finished with the arrival of a new head teacher, another job popped up with some literacy/numeracy funding. That's where we are now. I love working, I feel like Linda Evangelista (was it?), who wouldn't get out of bed for less than $10 000/day. For the first time in 10 years, I wake up thinking I don't get paid enough to clean up everyone else's shit at home. Obviously this has not gone down too well, because someone has to do the usual jobs and if it's not me, then who? Kids are faster learners than husbands. * Back to C2, I can't believe I have never written about this before, but we have been through some very, very tough times with him over the past few years. He hates school, he has real anxiety about it and it's taken a long, long time for the school to attempt to understand that it is anxiety behind his ... less than desirable school behaviours. Thankfully, and without any clear answers as to why, things have improved HUGELY over the past couple of months. No longer do we cry every morning, do I have to peel him off the car, throw him into his bedroom screaming, am I weighed down with worry during the day whenever my phone rings, do I have to tickle his back and comfort him for hours at bedtime every night (while the other kids did...does anyone know who was looking after them these times?!). We've seen doctors, paediatricians, psychologists (yes, plural to all those) and were given no solutions to his anxiety. At the moment, he is all good but there is always a slight fear we will return to those days. C4 has started to not enjoy being left at preschool as well, which is a bit of a worry! If we had the answer for C2 then we could try that with C4, but we don't know what suddenly helped C2 so we are again flying blind. Boys. I will try and come back soon. Right now I've got a silverside boiling away and a cake in the oven, trying to fool myself that I love these non-working, quiet days at home by being some kind of super housewife. Some days Curtis and I go for walks or go out for lunch, but today is raining and I'm feeling a bit trapped by domesticity.